The Day My Soul Lost It's Mate

I had been trying to reach Neal since before 7:30. I paged and called him repeatedly. It wasn't like him not to answer his phone or his pager, especially since I had just missed his last (and final) phone call at 7:09 because I was taking our dog out of the car at my sister's because she was going to watch him for the weekend while we were on our get-a-way.

I couldn't understand it. I knew he was with a patient, but even when he was with a patient, he'd call back and tell me he couldn't talk but he was ok and that he'd call me back when he was clear. We had this thing about always making sure the other knew we were ok. I got no call. The first 15 minutes past. When I called his cell phone at 7:35 it had been shut off....(I found out later that the battery came loose on impact) and that's when I really started freaking out. Definitely not like my Nealy. Then the next 30. Then the next 30. All the while I'm still trying to reach him. I just knew in my heart and soul ... maybe because of the extreme emptiness that washed over me because I couldn't reach him and I had missed his call ... something was wrong.... deadly wrong.

My cell phone rang at 8:59am. The display showed "Pooh at Work." Immediate thought ... smile, Neal had asked the dispatcher to call me because his cell phone battery died and he couldn't call me (he had done that a few times before). I answered the phone somewhat relieved. GOD WAS I WRONG!!!! It's Jeff, a person that Neal works for ... He said "May I speak to Cynthia Sherman?" ... My gut SANK. I said, "This is she." He said, "This is Jeff from Loudoun-Fairfax, you're listed as the point-of-contact on Neal Sherman's emergency card, who are you to him?" .... Oh SHI* I knew it ... I flipped ... I screamed "I'm his wife ... what's wrong???!!!" He calmly said, "Neal has been involved in a very serious accident and you need to get to George Washington Hospital." I asked him if he was dead ... he said that's all he knew right now. The whole call took less than 2 minutes. Yet, those 2 minutes felt like they took forever.

Just before my cell phone rang, I had called my mother to tell her that Neal was psyched about golfing all weekend. She heard the call from Jeff... and I told her I had to go. She called my sister.... I ran around the office for 5 minutes trying to figure out where in the hell GW was. Tried printing directions... printer wouldn't work. Tried connecting to their site.... our network was down. I felt like my heart was going to explode. My boss was already going down the hall to go get his car to take me when my sister called, told me to meet her at her office, and we'd go together. I took off running to my car ... flew down all 4 levels of the parking garage to hit 50 west. I was going to take 66 into Arlington (where my sister works) .... but Mom said "No...it's still HOV." Not that I cared, but I listened. THANK GOD~~ because I very likely would have seen my husband's body on the side of the road....(I'll explain that later) ... but if nothing else... I'd have seen the ambulance and the scene.

My drive to Arlington to meet my sister was the longest drive I've ever had. It felt like hours were passing, although in reality it was just minutes. I had been trying to find out more information, so I didn't have the radio on. When I finally met up with my sister, we took off to GW. I called Neal's mom to let her know he was in an accident, she wanted to come immediately. I told her there was no point if all he did was break his arm... (Maybe I was trying to be hopeful)... and that I'd call her the minute we had more information and to stay near her phone. We got there, and I was trying to find out information. I told them about the call I had gotten, and that my husband was brought there. They didn't have him in the system. That's when I heard the news and saw the accident. They said there was a fatality. I KNEW it was Neal, I felt my heart fill with pain. The guard at the hospital saw me get weak, and told me that Neal was ok, all 3 of the people they brought to GW were alive and that if I was told to come there, he was alive. I told him he was wrong. He hugged me and told me everything was going to be fine.

About 10 minutes later, a doctor came out and took my sister and I into a consultation room. I told my sister they took me there to tell me Neal didn't make it. She said no, they're working on him and they're just going to tell you what's going on.

I'd been so wrong in life before... I wish I'd have been wrong then. A Captain from Arlington County Fire & Rescue came in, along with someone from patient services... They told me Neal didn't make it. I very calmly told them Neal wouldn't leave, we were 12 weeks pregnant and he would NOT leave his child for anything. Looking back, I know the Captain was somewhat floored ... as he didn't know what to say to that. I couldn't cry... I couldn't scream. I think I probably should have... but I demanded they to take me to my husband. They told me he was in route to Arlington, he hadn't gotten there yet. WHERE THE HELL HAD HE BEEN? Still at the scene, which is why I'm glad I didn't go 66...... Neal would have still been there... on the side of the road, covered in a sheet....or body bag. I called his mother, told her to get a hold of Randy and get to Arlington. Neal didn't make it.

The Captain took us over there. None of us said a word. He called someone to let them know he had the wife and was en route. As soon as we got there, I saw one of the medic's that Neal used to work with at Professional. He asked why I was there... I told him Neal was killed in the ambulance accident that happened... His mouth dropped open. He was in shock too...

Once inside, they took us back to a room .... a chaplain, a doctor, some others showed up. His mom and Randy got there. I couldn't sit still ... I went back outside. Several more people from Professional had shown up and were offering their support and sympathy. EVERYONE was in shock. WHY NEAL??????

Eric asked what happened. I told him I had no idea. A trooper pulled up. I told Eric I certainly hoped this man was going to tell me. The Captain met him, and I guess told him I was Neal's wife. He walked up to me, and asked me if I knew who he was... Initial thought, 'you better be the man that's going to tell me why my husband is dead.' I looked at his name tag. I knew EXACTLY who he was. Someone Neal had idolized for years.... A long time family friend who worked with Neal's dad. He apparently was at the scene as well.

We all went back in the room we had been in ... and I kept telling them I needed to see Neal. Finally, Neal had gotten there ... and they were preparing an area for us to go to.

They again tried to prepare me for what I was going to see. I told them he was my husband and I didn't care what he looked like. They told me they would have a sheet on him because of his severe head injuries. I told them they'd be taking it off. The trooper, the doctor, the chaplain... no one wanted me to see Neal, because of what it could potentially do to me or our unborn child. (Once I'm got the autopsy report, I'm glad I wasn't as hard-headed as Neal always told me I was....because I didn't force them to show me.

We went back to the area where they had Neal. There must have been 10 of us, including the doctors and the nurses. As soon as the pulled back the curtain, I saw that beautiful big body of his, with those boots, and I felt the biggest sense of emptiness wash over me. I couldn't move. I walked to his left side. They pulled the sheet off the left side of his arm so I could hold his hand. All I could do was kiss his wedding ring, like we did everyday from the day we got married. It was even part of our wedding ceremony. He was really cold. His jacket sleeve was up around his elbow. I told him, the very thing that I told him that morning. I told him "Baby, didn't I tell you when it was cold, to pull your sleeves down... and the baby knows you're not listening to mommy." I pulled his sleeve down and told him he'd be warmer now.

They pulled the sheet back of the left side of his face, I saw some cuts, I kissed them. I told them I wanted to see his lips. Blood filled the spaces between his teeth. I kissed his lips just as softly as I always had. As I held his hand in mine, we talked about what would happen next... and then they gave me his belongings. That's when I knew he'd never gotten my pages... his pager was still vibrating.

I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted to stay with my soul. I put his left hand to my heart and told him he'd be there forever.... I put my head on his chest, hugged him tighter than I ever had, kissed his heart ... and told him I'd never love another.... and that I missed him already. I also told him the baby loved him.... (We told each other that all the time after we found out we were pregnant.)

A Catholic priest finally arrived to administer last rites. I later found out that one Trooper on the scene, who was also Catholic, and actually taught Catacism classes had administered last rites on the scene shortly after he arrived.

They told me I'd need to take his wedding ring. I told them I wasn't taking it off his finger. It wasn't right. The nurse did it, gave it to me, and I put it on my necklace with my cross. That's when I cried for the first time. Neal hadn't had that ring off since the day we got married. That's when I truly felt my soul become lifeless....

When we went to leave the hospital, a senior hospital administrator walked us out the back way because of all the press who had shown up. They were the last thing I could deal with. I also left strict orders that his name not be released by the hospital or the police until we notified the rest of the family. The Arlington County Fire Captain took us back to my sister's car at GW. I called my mom and told her that she needed to get in the car and head up, Nealy hadn't made it. She cried like I never heard her cry in all my years.

We all then headed to Neal's grandparents house in Alexandria. When his grandfather (Pop-Pop as Neal called him) got back from church, he immediately knew something was wrong. The Trooper who was the long-time family friend was also there. One by one, the family gathered to learn the news. It was the hardest thing they'd ever heard or have had to face.

After several hours, my sister and I left, I needed to be alone to figure out what was happening to what I knew as my world just hours before.

When we got back to her office, she ran upstairs to her office to tell them she'd be off the rest of the day and part of the following week. I went to start my car. Wouldn't you know, I was in such a hurry, I had actually left my lights on the entire day. My battery was dead. All I could thing, was $^%&, my husband's dead, and now my car is too. IT WAS NOT A GOOD DAY! My sister didn't have jumper cables either, so I started crying again. Then I calmly looked up to the sky, and a feeling of warmth and comfort came over me., Just three days before, Neal had put a car care kit in my trunk. He bought it for me when we found out I was pregnant, it included all sorts of goodies, like a blanket, an air canister for flat tires, and stuff like that. It also included jumper cables. I grabbed the cables out, and we jumped the car. As I put them back away, I realized Nealy was still there taking care of our child and I, and I knew we'd make it through.

We finally got out of Arlington. It was late afternoon, sometime around 4pm. The rest of the day is pretty much a blur. I don't really remember crying, because it didn't seem real. I wanted to go home, but my family wouldn't let me. I stayed at my sister's house, pretty much the whole weekend. No one wanted to leave me alone. Looking back now, I appreciate that more than anything. I wasn't in a good place, and I wanted to desperately to be with Neal again. God only knows what may have happened had I not had the love and support of my family with me that weekend.

I watched the news over and over and over again. Trying to understand and make sense of what happened. They just kept saying Joseph Neal Sherman was pronounced dead at the scene

Over the weekend, I went to the accident scene. I saw bits and pieces of the broken ambulance strewn all over the hill on 66. A 10-foot section of the guardrail was gone. I picked up two pieces of the lightbar and took them with me. I cried thinking that's where my husband took his last breath.

I called everyone I could think to call to let them know. People I had never met before, but had heard so much about had found me.

We started planning for Neal's funeral and that's when I finally realized, he wasn't coming back.